Andy Rash

Conan O'Brien iotacons in Fortune Magazine

2011-02-17T10:15:00.001-05:00

Click on the image to see it larger.
Hi everybody. I have a little side project of very low-res portraits called iotacons. This week, some Conan O'Brien iotacons I did are in Fortune Magazine! Above is the penultimate layout for the print version, and there is also an iPad version that had one of those poses at the top of each page of the article, and a clickable dancing Conan movie on the last page! Here is the movie.

Please check out more iotacons and the iPad layout on my iotacon blog! So long!

Spring Training Map for the New York Times

2011-02-14T12:38:00.000-05:00

Hi everybody. I just did these two maps for The New York Times Sports Section all about where MLB Spring Training happens. Click on the image if you'd like to see it bigger. So long!

Visit my iotacons Blog!

2011-02-04T16:10:00.001-05:00

Hey people. Please visit my iotacons blog. You can find it here:

http://iotacons.blogspot.com/

Thanks.

Guillotine

2011-01-04T17:53:00.000-05:00

Hey people. Here's an image I just did for the Wall Street Journal about the stress surrounding the possibility of being fired. So long!

You're right, everybody! It WAS green!

2010-11-10T15:36:00.001-05:00

Hey everybody! Thanks for the comments on the Star Wars stuff! I've made the alteration most of you requested: Luke's ROTJ lightsaber is now green. I've had so much fun doing these low-res images, I set up a blog just for them.

http://iotacons.blogspot.com/

Check it out! I'll change the lightsaber color on those ASAP. So long!

Ten Little Zombies: A Love Story: The Clock!

2010-09-24T17:31:00.000-04:00

Hey everybody! It's that time again: Zombie Time!
Here's another Ten Little Zombies gift that goes great with a copy of Ten Little Zombies: A Love Story!

Click the Clock!

Ten Little Zombies: A Love Story: The Mug!

2010-09-21T17:08:00.000-04:00

Hey everybody! With the new "Coffee Brings Me Back From the Dead" mug, you can revive yourself without radioactive waste or Voodoo! Just check out the great Ten Little Zombies gifts at CafePress!

Count Chocula

2010-09-21T12:43:00.000-04:00

I'm not a big fan of the current Count Chocula. He isn't scary. He also doesn't really look like a vampire. He sort of looks like a bucktoothed dandy. The typeface is nice, though.

But I'm not one to just sit around and complain when I could do something about it! So I sketched up how I envision Count Chocula. Here it is.

1200% Star Wars

2010-09-15T16:15:00.002-04:00

Click on the image to make stuff out.
Visit the iotacons blog!

http://iotacons.blogspot.com/

1200% Star Wars: A New Hope

2010-09-15T16:07:00.001-04:00

Visit the iotacons blog!

http://iotacons.blogspot.com/

1200% Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

2010-09-15T16:06:00.004-04:00

Visit the iotacons blog!

http://iotacons.blogspot.com/

1200% Mystery Science Theater 3000

2010-09-15T16:05:00.005-04:00

Visit the iotacons blog!

http://iotacons.blogspot.com/

1200% Star Wars: Return of the Jedi

2010-09-15T16:05:00.004-04:00

1200% The Munsters

2010-09-15T16:04:00.001-04:00

Visit the iotacons blog!

http://iotacons.blogspot.com/

1200% Star Trek

2010-09-15T16:03:00.002-04:00

I ended up doing so many of these things, I had to come up with a name for them and dedicate a separate blog to them. They are called iotacons and here is the link to the new blog:

http://iotacons.blogspot.com/

1200% The Addams Family

2010-09-15T16:02:00.001-04:00

I ended up doing so many of these things, I had to come up with a name for them and dedicate a separate blog to them. They are called iotacons and here is the link to the new blog:

http://iotacons.blogspot.com/

1200% Lost in Space

2010-09-15T15:58:00.007-04:00

I ended up doing so many of these things, I had to come up with a name for them and dedicate a separate blog to them. They are called iotacons and here is the link to the new blog:

http://iotacons.blogspot.com/

Happy Labor Day Weekend!

2010-09-03T08:50:00.001-04:00

Ten Little Zombies: A Love Story is here!

2010-09-02T13:48:00.000-04:00

Ten Little Zombies: A Love Story from Chronicle Books is officially released! It may have been spotted here and there on bookstore shelves and internet booksellers a little early, but now is the official release! Have a look at a bookstore near you, or at one of your favorite online retailers! Here are a few links:
Indiebound
Amazon.com!
Chronicle Books!
Barnes & Noble!
Powell's Books!

Old Guy Choking a Piggy

2010-08-23T08:40:00.000-04:00

Hey People. The Wall Street Journal called up and asked for an image of an old guy choking a piggy. So here it is. It ran yesterday. Originally, the coins weren't coming out of the slot. Bye!

Ten Little Zombies: A Love Story: The Movie

2010-08-17T13:39:00.005-04:00

Hey Everybody! I have a new book just hitting the shelves and the amazon and things like that! It's called Ten Little Zombies: A Love Story from Chronicle Books! This trailer I made for it, dazzlingly beautiful as it is, involves no animation! I made it with cut paper and magnets. This is what I do with my spare time.

View, buy and review the book on Amazon at: Ten Little Zombies: A Love Story

Underground New York

2010-07-22T09:01:00.002-04:00

Hi everybody. Today's New York Times has an Op-Art edufotainstration I did about archeology in New York City. It was art directed by Alicia Desantis, and I think she did an amazing job of laying out a great looking page with a whole lot of text and very little time to do it! She was a breeze to collaborate with, and I'm very happy with the results. To the left is what this thing looks like in the paper today.

I was really looking forward to posting this here, and sharing it with my friends on facebook, and I intended to do that with a link to the New York Times web site.

Continued below....

Underground New York: Part 2

2010-07-22T08:11:00.001-04:00

Continued from above.

But this is what it looks like on the web!

It's fine, really. It's a good solution for maintaining legibility. The same info pops up when you click on the i boxes. But the illustration looks a bit unfinished without all that text. And Alicia and I worked really hard to make all that text work with the illustration! Oh well. Designing for print and designing for the web are just two different things. And they're going to get differenter and differenter. So long!

General Steinbrenner

2010-07-18T22:15:00.000-04:00

Hey people. This portrait of Steinbrenner as Patton ran today in the New York Times Week in Review section. I guess Patton was a hero of Steinbrenner's.

Snail Parade

2010-06-11T09:24:00.000-04:00

A Snail Parade has just begun!

Let's start the show with number one!

Crawling out of Grampa's shoe

is Snail Parade snail number two!

Snail Parade snail number three

Is cheered on by his family!

And that's the end! No wait, there's more!

Here comes a fourth snail: Number Four!

Injured, yes, but still alive

Is bird-attacked snail number five!

Pausing to enjoy a Twix

Is Snail Parade snail number six!

Passing snails eight through eleven

Speedy snail twelve, I mean seven!

Although we had an hour to wait,

At last here comes snail number eight!

Sliding down the slimy line

Is slimy snaily numby nine!

After that comes number ten!

And so the Snail Parade must end.

Cooler Head Prevailing

2010-05-28T14:53:00.000-04:00

Hey everybody,
Here's a weird little illustration I did for the Wall Street Journal.

My Favorite Food

2010-05-25T16:14:00.000-04:00

Monopoly Seating Chart

2010-05-05T09:28:00.001-04:00

Hey everybody. Here is an illustration I did for today's New York Times. It's always interesting to see what changes a publication will request before running an illustration, especially one with writing on it like this one. I would have laid money that they would request that I change the "Spastic Sleeper" space for fear of receiving too many of what Dick Cavett referred to as "For You See" letters, as in "Dear Mr. Cavett, I object to your use last week of the phrase 'basket case.' For you see, I was born without arms or legs...." I guess spastic sleeping isn't quite the epidemic air travel leads me to believe. The Times did request a small change: originally, the space next to the lavatory was labeled "Lavatory Smell." No big deal, as far as I'm concerned! So long!

Mr. All, Mr. Some, and Mr. None Visit a Fancy French Restaurant

2010-04-29T14:08:00.001-04:00

One day, Mr. All, Mr. None, and Mr. Some went out to eat in a fancy French Restaurant. They were seated at a lovely table with a tablecloth. Soon, a waiter in a white apron came over to take their order.

"What would you like, sirs?" asked the waiter.

"Do you serve snails?" asked Mr. All.

"Yes we do, sir," replied the waiter, "How many would you like?"

"I would like them all," said Mr. All as he folded his menu up.

"Very good, sir. And what would you like?" the waiter asked Mr. None.

"I am also in the mood for snails," said Mr. None. "I'll have none, please."

"Very good, sir," said the waiter with relief. "What would you like?" he asked Mr. Some.

"Please bring me some snails," said Mr. Some.

"I'm afraid I can't do that, sir," said the waiter.

"This is outrageous!" said Mr. Some. "Why not?"

"Sir, your friend has already ordered all of the snails. We won't have enough left over for some. May I suggest none?"

"That's what I ordered!" said Mr. None.

"More than one person can order none," explained the waiter. "Or, if you can convince Mr. All to change his order to some, then you may also have some, Mr. Some. Mr. None may also have some in that case."

"Leave me out of this," said Mr. None.

"Very good, sir."

"Wait a minute," said Mr. All. "This is a fancy French Restaurant. Why can't you just give us all what we ordered?"

"Mr. All wants all of the snails, Mr. None wants none of the snails, and I want some," explained Mr. Some.

"I understand, sir, but that isn't our policy," said the waiter.

Everyone thought hard. Then the waiter had an idea. "Why don't you three leave?"

"Well, I never!" said Mr. All, throwing down his napkin.

Then Mr. None had an idea. "Why don't we come back tomorrow and make sure Mr. Some orders before Mr. All does?"

"Why?" asked the waiter.

"If Mr. Some orders some of the snails first, then Mr. All can order all of the rest of the snails."

"But then what would you have?" asked Mr. All.

"I will have none of the snails," said Mr. None.

"Ingenious!" said the waiter. Everyone shook hands with one another and Mr. All, Mr. None and Mr. Some left the fancy French Restaurant.

The next day, Mr. All, Mr. None and Mr. Some came back to the fancy French Restaurant. The waiter came over to take their order.

"What would you like this evening?" the waiter asked Mr. Some.

"I would like some snails, please," said Mr. Some.

"I'm afraid we're out of snails tonight, sir," said the waiter, "But perhaps Mr. None would still like to order them."

"That makes absolutely no sense," said Mr. None.

"Would you like another minute to decide?" asked the waiter.

"What would you recommend?" asked Mr. All.

"The clams are very good, sir," said the waiter.

"Excellent," said Mr. All. "I will have all of them."

"I would also like the clams. None. please," said Mr. None.

"Mmmmm, clams," said Mr. Some. But when he looked up from his menu, the waiter was gone and his apron was wadded up on the floor.

The End.

Merry Christmas, People.

2009-12-25T10:03:00.000-05:00

Ghosts of Christmas Cards Past

2009-12-23T09:37:00.000-05:00

Snowdown

2009-12-22T09:33:00.002-05:00

Batman Smells

2009-12-21T17:50:00.001-05:00

Royster

2009-12-11T09:37:00.001-05:00

Here is the Royster

The cock of the walk

With a pearl for the girls

And a shell for the shock

Cowl

2009-12-10T09:34:00.000-05:00

Here we have the Great Horned Cowl

Partly bovine, partly fowl

Fluffy feathers soft as silk

Udder filled with horrid milk

Peacockodile

2009-12-09T11:52:00.001-05:00

The tail of the Peacockodile

Beguiles with style, but all the while

Distracts you from a hostile smile.

Orangaroo

2009-12-08T15:18:00.004-05:00

Here's a rare Orangaroo

Jumping through the jungle.

Reaching for bananas, who

If she don't eat, her young'll.

Ask Lord Threadybottom

2009-11-02T10:39:00.002-05:00

Dear Lord,

My wife and I have been married many years. We have a happy marriage, but ever since our seven thousand children ballooned away, we find we have less to say to one another. Can you suggest any topics of conversation for us?

–Silent but Deadly

Dear Silent,

Every man jack of us may find tedious routine in our daily lives, from repairing webs, to capturing flies, to consorting with our compatriots at Ye Olde Stiquorbushe, but we daren't grow so complacent that we forget to ask our wives about their day! A married man must remember that he may be killed and devoured in the night.

Lord Threadybottom is an advice columnist who has been syndicated* by over forty newspapers.

*Swatted at by rolled-up issues of

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-30T17:09:00.000-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-30T17:08:00.000-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-30T17:07:00.000-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-30T10:23:00.000-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-30T10:22:00.000-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-30T10:21:00.000-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-29T13:20:00.002-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-29T13:19:00.002-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-28T12:08:00.003-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-28T12:07:00.002-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-27T09:59:00.000-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-27T09:57:00.002-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-26T11:08:00.000-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-26T11:07:00.000-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-24T12:35:00.003-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-24T12:35:00.000-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-23T13:23:00.000-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-23T13:21:00.002-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-22T10:51:00.000-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-22T10:50:00.000-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-21T09:56:00.002-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-21T09:55:00.000-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-20T10:06:00.002-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-20T10:05:00.000-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-19T09:59:00.002-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-19T09:58:00.002-04:00

Ten Little Zombies

2009-10-19T09:55:00.003-04:00

Toucan

2009-09-18T17:23:00.000-04:00

Hey everybody. Has this idea been done? Surely somebody did this somewhere, right? Oh well, here it is again, then. Have a great weekend!

Octotasking

2009-09-04T10:53:00.000-04:00

Hey people. Here's a thing I did for the Wall Street Journal. It'll run this Sunday. Something about how you'd better pick up the slack from all your fired coworkers or you're next. That's a happy thought. So long!

The Files of Detective Bacon

2009-08-21T13:11:00.003-04:00

I was closing up the office when a real tomato walked in the door. She was red-faced, crying over her onion sister who had disappeared. "I'm just sure she's gotten mixed up with some bad eggs."
I told her I'd make some inquiries and headed down to the Omelette Club.
There was a ham up on stage and a bagel tending bar, peering at me from behind her orange lox.
"Detective Bacon!" said a familiar voice, "Pancake will flip when I tell her you showed up here!"
"Hiya Oatmeal. How's tricks?"
"I ain't seen her. What brings you around? Miss me?"
"Don't get mushy, Oatmeal. Besides, you know the days are over where you can order me up and push me to the side. I'm looking for some bad eggs. You know, real hard-boiled types."
"You mean like Banana used to work for?"
"Used to? What happened to Banana?"
"Beats me. Maybe he just turned yellow and split. My friend Peach was fuzzy on the details, but she said Banana's girl Strawberry got in a real jam in a seedy part of town. Maybe the two of them eloped."
"They can't."
"Can't what?"
"Skip it. Maybe I'll track down Milk. Whenever anyone is missing, it's written all over his face."
"He's in the back booth with Honey."
Honey. Her involvement always makes a situation stickier. I thanked Oatmeal and joined Milk at his table. He was laughing and telling old stories.
"Those flakes? Soon as I hit them they were all wet and they knew it!"
Waffle was in the next booth. She didn't feel like talking to me - even after I buttered her up a bit. But I knew she'd change her mind. A waffle always does. Grapefruit was at a table near the stage, but I knew she'd never help me. She was bitter about the way things ended between us. I decided to track down Orange and see what I could squeeze out of him. But instead, I spoke to a couple donuts who just glazed over and gave me a story full of holes. When they rolled out of the club I decided to follow them. They entered a warehouse on the waterfront, guarded by two coffees.
"You ain't gettin' in here!" said the coffees when I tried to follow.
"Listen you mugs, You're too weak for this fight and you know it!"
Sure enough, a rotten egg was in the middle of the warehouse. He tried to scramble when he saw me, but he knew he was already cooked.
"Where's Onion?" I demanded.
"I don't know what you're talking about," said Egg.
"Listen Egg, sooner or later you'll crack, and I'll be there to pick up the pieces!"
"Last time I saw Onion, she was running around with Sausage."
Of course! Sausage! He was the missing link this whole time!
"I'm sending you over easy, Egg. I'll serve you up to the D. A., and you'll fry for this."
But somehow, Egg got the drop on me and I ended up in the hot seat. Once again, out of the frying pan and into the fire. Tied up in the warehouse, I knew no one would hear my muffled cries for help over the Grits outside on the corner, singing in four-part Hominy.

Villain Silhouette

2009-08-12T12:26:00.002-04:00

Moo hoo ha ha ha haaaaaaa!

Rhino Cymbalist

2009-08-07T11:32:00.002-04:00

Lego Elephant

2009-08-06T17:07:00.003-04:00

Damsel Silhouette

2009-08-04T11:26:00.002-04:00

Hey people. I'm working on some archetype silhouettes for a line of storytelling festival T-shirts. Here's the first one I've done. I have no idea if the client will go for it, but I like it anyway.

Old Crappy Technology

2009-08-03T13:01:00.003-04:00

Like most people of my generation, I am often nostalgic for old, crappy technology. Take video games. While I am amazed by the incredible graphics available in games now, I kind of miss the bizarre cubist abstractions of the Atari 2600 Video Computer System of my youth. To call your protagonist in the game Berzerk a "stick figure" is a tad generous. But now look at this image above. It is a screenshot from an upcoming video game based on the movie based on the book Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak. Very nice looking, right? Too nice! The people designing this game had no limitations. No obstacles. Would it be so bad to have a video game look like this?

I don't think so.

Thum thum thum

2009-07-23T11:36:00.002-04:00

Goodbye Frank McCourt

2009-07-20T16:17:00.003-04:00

Frank McCourt

(1930-2009)

Superhero School is out!

2009-07-13T10:40:00.002-04:00

Hey people! My new book Superhero School is shipping from Amazon.com! It's all about a kid named Leonard who goes to a special school for superheros and is forced to learn about fractions. Mayhem ensues when Ice Zombies attack and... perhaps I've said too much already. Bright colors! Stellar reviews!! Math!!! Why not buy three copies? One for you to cherish, one for the local library, and one for the independent bookseller in your neighborhood! Send one to me with a Self-Addressed Stamped Envelope and I'll personally autograph it! Makes a great gift! Also, I'll autograph Are You a Horse?, Agent A to Agent Z, The Robots Are Coming, Fat Camp Commandos, Fat Camp Commandos Go West, Secret Agent Game Time, Why Is Snot Green? and How Loud Can You Burp (coming soon!) I'll even autograph any of my greeting cards from Peaceable Kingdom Press, but that may be confusing for the intended recipient. Your purchase stimulates the economy, supports the print media industry, supports independent booksellers*, is a tax-deductible library donation†, and makes a simple freelance illustrator and children's book author very happy‡.

* If you made your purchase at an independent bookseller, of course.

† I have no idea if that is true. Consult a lawyer, an accountant, and your clergy.

‡ Results may vary.

Down In Front™: Public Enemies

2009-07-09T10:15:00.003-04:00

A twenty-one tommy-gun salute to the historically accurate Public Enemies! And if you want to see something else historically accurate, why not dig a hole in your yard and stare at that for two and a half hours? I assure you everything you see will be absolutely based on reality! Careful, though! If you happen to see a worm, you might accidentally be more entertained than you would be by star Johnny Depp's somnambulistic portrayal of a depression era bank robber! How do you make an actor like Johnny Depp boring? Just put him in the hands of director Michael Mann. Still too interesting? Why not throw in Christian Bale, the very embodiment of soulless inscrutability? Then put a hundred other men in the exact same hat and coat and have them scatter-drill all over that one street in Chicago that still looks like the 1930's! Was that My Two Dads heartthrob Giovanni Ribisi with one line? Yes! Did I just see the same character have two separate, hammy, blood-sputtering death scenes? I think so! And how about beautiful Marion Cotillard's nearly believable American accent? Aside from historical facts, we also learn that you can discover whether or not a woman is secretly French merely by beating her about the face and neck with a phone book! I guess no American actresses were interested in being Johnny Depp's love interest, the hideous toad. Well, that's all for today! Until next time, I'll be seeing you Down In Front™!

Twitter Complaints

2009-07-06T11:18:00.004-04:00

Hey people. You might have noticed that I haven't been blogging for quite a while. Well, I've been busy, okay? Lots of interesting stuff is going on around here. I'll just mention one thing today. The wife and I moved last week. We're still in Brooklyn, but in a bigger, nicer, newer, leveler place. I'm writing this from our new place. It's very quiet here, with the exception of the sound of a pile driver outside, but by Brooklyn standards, that's still quiet. We still have tons of boxes piled up like the last scene in Raiders, but we're getting there. Above is an illustration that ran yesterday in the New York Times about how you get faster results complaining via Twitter than you do by phone or even face to face. As always, click on it to make it bigger, if that's what you'd like. No pressure. So long!

I know what Wifi is. But what is it?

2009-05-06T11:20:00.003-04:00

Hello people. Here's an image I just did for the New York Times travel section about how many fancier hotels treat WiFi as an added expense, while most travelers consider it as important as electricity and running water. WiFi sure helped me out when I was in L.A. two weeks ago. But as you can see, I had to resort to a hopefully recognizable glyph to represent WiFi because it doesn't actually look like anything. That's the trouble with modern technology: it doesn't look like anything. Take music. When I was a kid, music was purchased in the form of polyvinyl chloride disks. Before that the disks were made of shellac, wax and other groove-holding media. And before that, music was sold in the form of do-it-yourself instruction kits called "sheet music." But before that, what happened? Granted, I'm talking about quite a while ago. Musical notation dates back to 2000 B.C. somewhere near Baghdad. But before that, the only way to preserve songs was to listen carefully to the person performing and remember it so you could perform it for someone else. A song wasn't any physical object of any kind. Just a complex thought. So back to polyvinyl chloride disks. Moving forward, people started buying magnetic tape cassettes. And then came what really seemed like the medium of the future to me: compact discs. They are futuristic because they are shiny and make rainbows and you need a laser beam to play them. How cool! Then came the MP3, or more precisely, Moving Picture Experts Group-1: Audio Layer 3. Talk about futuristic! I bet you didn't even know its full name! An MP3 uses a lossy compression algorithm, and has many other confounding details I won't bother you with. But what is it? What does it look like? How do I represent one in an illustration? Suddenly, commercial music has once again become as elusive a form as the lullaby Hammurabi's grandmother used to sing him. Arthur C. Clark, the guy who came up with the idea for the geostationary communications satellite, as well as the homicidal computer HAL 9000, once wrote, "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." The only difference between Lord Voldemort and your iPod dock is that the spell cast isn't Avada Kedavra, but rather a series of ones and zeroes. And you can only put binary code in illustrations so many times before you go insane. That's all I've got.

0101001101101111001000000110110001101111011011100110011100100001

Jetsetter

2009-04-16T11:43:00.002-04:00

Hey everybody! Here is the Brooklyn map I did for Time Out New York Kids. I live in that little orange patch between Bedford Ave, the BQE and McCarren Park. So I'm flying down to Georgia today and off to L. A. from there to pitch a couple animated TV projects and a game prototype. What exciting fun! That's all I've got today. Gotta pack!

Remember Me?

2009-04-15T11:01:00.003-04:00

Hey People. Yeah, I know. I'm back on this thing now, though. So anyway, April is full of exciting things. The wife and I are going to Savannah, GA (where we met) to visit with my parents and my sister's family, and the wife's mom. Then I'm flying out to L. A. to pitch an animated TV show based on my picture book Agent A to Agent Z. Then I'm flying back just in time for my birthday, and then I'm having a dual book release party on April 29th for my two new books Are You A Horse and Secret Agent Game Time (also based on Agent A to Agent Z). Please come by if you're in the New York Area! This thing above is yet another map, done for Time Out New York Kids. So long!

Down In Front™: Three Days of the Condor

2009-03-02T10:51:00.000-05:00

Down in Front™ goes totally RETRO with a review of a really old movie! 1975's Three Days of the Condor, starring wart-ridden heartthrob Robert Redford and beautiful Faye Dunaway, star of every single movie made in the Seventies! This post-Watergate spy thriller captured the country's imagination by feeding the flames of its quaint, childlike protoparanoia! You know, the paranoia that makes you feel that maybe, just maybe the government might not have pure intentions! Hilarious! Watch as Redford, a bookish (occasionally bespectacled) government employee, slowly uncovers a deep dark secret: the United States government killed seven (that's right, SEVEN) people, and for what? Oil! Can you imagine such a thing? That our government would kill SO FEW people for oil? But enough about unquenched bloodlust! What about ordinary every-day lust? The Seventies was really the last decade where the hero of a movie could rape his way into the heart of the heroine (I'm looking at you, Clint!) so Redford merely abducts the comely Dunaway at gunpoint, leaves her tied to a toilet for hours, and allows her to seduce him later that night! Cue the post-Watergate love montage filled with sad black and white photographs of abandoned playgrounds. Romance was never so scorching as when depicted by director Sydney Pollack! Who else is in it? The Exorcist, Spider-man's uncle, and the former spokesman for Smith-Barney! What a cast!

But is it worth renting? It depends! Do you have a fetish for ungodly huge seventies automobiles? I do! Do you like chaste love montages and incredibly underwhelming conspiracies? I don't! Do you like anything remotely related to The Exorcist? I do! So, it's a mixed bag. Don't rent it. Wait for it to show up on Turner Classic Movies. When it does, don't watch it too hard. Make dinner or iron something with it on in the background. The music is groovy, anyway. That's all for now! Until next time, I'll see you Down In Front™!

Disney Getting Desperate

2009-02-27T13:04:00.002-05:00

Hey people. Thanks for the nice response to the blog yesterday, except some of you, and you know who you are. Anyway, this image ran in The New York Times last week. It was all about how hard Disney is trying to get visitors to their theme parks. That's all I've got. Have a great weekend.

Crab Report: Goodbye

2009-02-26T12:35:00.004-05:00

Strad died yesterday of unknown causes. He was probably two years old. He had been standing quite still for a day or two. I had hoped he was molting, but yesterday around 7:00 p.m., he laid his eyestalks down for the last time.

My wife Jena brought Strad home last April to keep me company while I was laid up with the shingles. He was a fascinating and strange pet. He spent most of his time scuttling around and waving his big claw. I learned that this was a mating display and eventually got Strad two tankmates named Claudia and Wendy. Claudia gave birth on two occasions, but her crablings were eaten by the adults in the first instance and died in an experimental nursery jar in the second.

I tried to give Strad a happy life in a clean habitat with healthy food and companionship. I hope he enjoyed his time in my care. Jena and I feel his absence deeply. Goodbye, Strad.

Down In Front™: Oscar Roundup™!

2009-02-23T15:40:00.002-05:00

Welcome to the Down In Front™ Oscar Roundup™! Who won? Why? Should they have? Was that curtain supposed to be open? When does the montage start? Was that music cue in the right place? Does Wolverine think he's hosting the Tonys? All those questions will be posed right here in the lines above! Let's look at the big winners!

Slumdog Millionaire! What a winner! Best Picture! Best Director! Best Adapted Screenplay! Best Original Screenplay! Best Cinematography! Best Gaffing! Best Film Editing! Best Original Score! Best Adapted Score! Best Original Song (Jai Ho(?)), Best Sound Mixing! Whatta run!

Did Slumdog deserve all these accolades? Didn't see it! I turned it off after the first few minutes of it were in some other language! I wonder how it missed getting Best Foreign Language Film? Robbery! Congrats, Indian Subcontinent!

Milk sure did a body good last night! The body of Sean Penn, discovered in Encino early this morning! This biopic of microbiologist Louis Pasteur squeezed out Oscars for Best Actor and something else. Did Milk deserve both the accolades? Didn't see it!

Of course, some movies are tailor-made for Oscars! Like whatever costume drama won for Best Costume this year! Also, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, found its desperate bid for accolades answered with Oscars for Best Art Direction, Makeup, and Visual Effects! Token awards, to be sure, but earned? Didn't see it!

But Down In Front™, you ask, what about documentaries, foreign language, and shorts? Just kidding! I'm perfectly aware no one cares about these awards! Do those things even ever get shown anywhere? Beats me!

Always a bridesmaid? Not anymore for illiterate Nazi Kate Winslet, who finally won Best Actress for everything she has been in previous to The Reader! Didn't see it!

Despite Marisa Tomei's nomination, she was not accidentally awarded an Oscar last night! Good luck in 2024, Marisa! The actual winner was Penelope Cruz, for putting up with Woody Allen's overwhelming creepiness! Didn't see it!

How about animated feature? Those effects are amazing these days! I saw two out of the three nominees, but did WALL-E deserve to win? It was better than Bolt!

Finally, Sound Editing, which is somehow different from Sound Mixing went to explodorama The Dark Knight! Also Best Supporting Actor was awarded posthumously to Heath Ledger for his portrayal of the fiendish Joker! Luckily, the pall that settled over the festivities due to the sad loss of this talented performer was lifted by the comedy stylings of self-absorbed, semifunnyman Bill Maher! But did Ledger deserve it? You'd think no, right? You'd think it was given to him because he's dead. But no! Having seen only two live-action movies in the past year, one being the Dark Knight, and the other being Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (bizarrely overlooked!) I have to say, based on what I have seen, that Ledger had his Oscar coming!

So that rounds-up™ another glittering, glitzy, glammy night of Hollywood self-congratulation! What does the coming year promise for tinsel town? Who knows! Perhaps legible captions on the "In Memoriam" reel! Dreams come true in Hollywood! Until then I'll be seeing you in all the old familiar places, like Down In Front!™

Jane Pounce

2009-02-20T15:32:00.002-05:00

I've heard people say that everyone dreams in black and white, and that it is impossible to read anything in a dream. This is not the case. At least, it isn't the case for me. I dreamed last night that I was holding a box with a design like the one above. I'm not sure what the product was supposed to be. I also wouldn't swear to the hyphenated words in the bursts. I know they were rather short words and made more confusing by the hyphenation. I am positive, though, that Jane Pounce was the name at the top. Dream analysts, go to it.

Crab Report: Waiting for Zoea

2009-02-13T11:03:00.003-05:00

Hello everybody. Well, Strad was driving me nuts with his constant mating display (which Claudia appeared to be completely ignoring) so I got him another tankmate. Her name is Wendy, and she is very very camera-shy. She is much smaller than the other two and darker as well. When I first saw her, she was about to escape from the tank at Petco, which I thought was a very good sign. She is settling in nicely. As it turns out, Claudia was not ignoring Strad, but rather eating for 1001. Yep, Claudia has several hundred buns in the oven. Actually, her carapace is ajar in a way which makes her very much resemble an oven. Hmmm. Anytime now, she will walk over to the shallow water and release her swarming brood. If you want to see what that looked like last time, click on this link. The crablings are called Zoea, and they don't look at all like adult crabs.

Check out that crazy dorsal spike! These guys are smaller than this period. In the wild, they would be pulled out to sea by an ebbing tide. Needless to say, that didn't happen last time. So instead, Claudia and Strad started eating these guys as fast as they could go. Horrifying, right? But this time, the part of the ebbing tide will be portrayed by a turkey baster. I have a sea-water nursery jar set up for the blessed event.

This image shows the second stage of crab development, called Megalopa. These guys swim around eating plankton. Unfortunately, I don't have access to plankton, so I'm going to try my best to feed them with pulverized algae disks (what the adults eat), flake food, and if necessary, sashimi. I honestly don't have high hopes. Everyone on the internet says raising fiddlers from infancy in captivity is a lost cause. But people said that about flying to the moon and face transplants. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. And nothing lost, except a psychologically disturbing meal for Strad and Claudia. And Wendy.

Here is an adorable image of an immature crab. This is what I'm shooting for. One of these. ONE of these. I'm hoping baby crabs start life like baby praying mantises do: eating their siblings as fast as they can go. That way, I end up with one well-fed crab. And if it doesn't work (it won't) I'll just try again the next time Strad knocks up Claudia or Wendy. Incidentally, he hasn't slowed down his mating display one bit. That's all for Crab Report. Good night and good luck.

Jon Stewart

2009-02-10T11:39:00.001-05:00

Hey people. I did this drawing of Jon Stewart last night. I have a bunch more stuff to tell you, but it'll have to wait. Stay tuned!

Obama Jump Shot

2009-02-09T13:43:00.003-05:00

Hey everybody! This is in the New York Times right now. It's an article comparing the strategy of pick-up basketball with running a country. At the last minute, the art director told me that I had depicted the president performing a right-handed jump shot, when he is in fact a lefty. So I had to flop the image and deflop the presidential seal on the backboard. Incidentally, 6 of the last 12 presidents have been left-handed. Truman, Ford, Reagan, Bush (41), Clinton, and now Obama. That's a little weird.

Now Shipping from Amazon!

2009-02-04T17:36:00.002-05:00

Hey everybody! Are You A Horse is shipping at Amazon.com now!

Horn Book Review for Are You a Horse

2009-01-29T10:35:00.003-05:00

Hey everybody,

Horn Book has come out with the first review of Are You a Horse! I think it sounds pretty good! So long!

Roy is one confused cowpoke. His friends give him a saddle for his birthday, but he doesn’t know what it is. “Luckily, it came with instructions: 1. Find a horse 2. Enjoy the ride.” Except Roy doesn’t know what a horse is, either. Thus begins Roy’s cheery absurdist trek through the desert, trying to fulfill instruction number one by interviewing likely candidates à la P. D. Eastman’s Are You My Mother?. Engaging cartoon illustrations, rendered in a toasty warm palette, show that Roy looks the part of a born-and-bred buckaroo, with his ten-gallon hat, boots, and Texas-themed belt buckle. But his comic level of ignorance shines bright as the Western sun when he approaches his first interview subject, a rusty red wagon. “‘Are you a horse?’ he asked. ‘Nope, I’m an old wagon,’ said the wagon. ‘A horse is a living thing.’” A talking cactus, snake, crab, chameleon, and others all give him clues until he finally finds his steed and moves on to instruction number two in a hilarious closing scene that proves Roy’s equestrian education still has a ways to go.

Air and Simple Gifts

2009-01-21T13:36:00.003-05:00

This is actually a true story. The musicians couldn't see him, but as I watched the inauguration yesterday, I looked over during this performance and saw that Strad just happened to be "conducting" at that moment. Perhaps the ceremony filled him with a feeling of hope for the future. A future free of the threat of seabird attack. Perhaps the music touched him deeply. Or perhaps he was just waving his arms around for absolutely no reason at all. Who can tell? It's a crab, for crying out loud.

O

2009-01-20T09:52:00.003-05:00

1

2009-01-19T10:44:00.000-05:00

2

2009-01-18T14:06:00.001-05:00

3

2009-01-17T14:05:00.000-05:00

You're absolutely right!

2009-01-16T12:09:00.003-05:00

It was a Stegosaurus. I thought at least one of you would think it was a flower. I sincerely apologize for that assumption.

Quick Quiz!

2009-01-15T11:36:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody! Bet you can't tell what this is! Answer tomorrow.

Toast

2009-01-14T10:47:00.001-05:00

More Agent Products!

2009-01-09T10:14:00.004-05:00

The new Bookstore and Gift Shop at Rashworks.com are up and running! Check out all the great new books and Agent-themed gifts available! The shirt above, for example, offers the titillating (yet false) promise of imminent clothing disappearance! Who knew that Agent A to Agent Z could be so very sexy!